House Sitting instructions #3

Tenkely Manor

To: Beth Tenkely

Once again, thank you for agreeing to care for our abode and critters. Whilst we attend to important business related maters in Las Vegas, Nevada. I would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that our house is always under 24 hour video surveillance so please, no parties.

Things have changed significantly since your last visit, so please pay close attention to the instructions provided below so we can avoid any incidents, we do not need a repeat of last year’s infamous, “Wednesday's Back” scandal (people are still talking about that one).

Section I: Pets

Pugs
There are 5 pugs in this house. I expect there to be 5 pugs here when I return. If there are 6 pugs here when I return, one of your ‘weaker’ children will be injured. I do not care if the 6th pug is black and not fawn, we are not an equal opportunity pug-vider.
Feeding has changed significantly. This is due largely in part to natural selection, and how we intend to disrupt it. Doo, will let you know when it is time to eat. It will be impossible to misinterpret his intention, trust me.
Chloe- Chloe eats a special hypo allergenic food (I think it’s kangaroo). It is labeled with her name and located outside. Do not let anyone else eat this food, it is very expensive and has to be purchased from the vet. If it helps you to remember this part, it also will kill any dog other than Chloe that eats it.
Doo- I had most of Doo’s teeth removed. I don’t remember why, but now his tongue hangs out his moth and the other dogs make fun of him. As an unintended side effect, he now is also on a special diet. His special food is for dinner only, it is labeled, and he get 8 ‘nuggets’ in his bowl. Doo also must be fed inside away from all the other animals. This is because he is a douche.
Wednesday, Missey, and Pugsley- These get fed too, if you can remember to get around it. 1/2 scoop per bowl.
All the pugs require water to survive, I suggest that you ensure it is provided.

Labrador
For some unknown reason a giant white lab with a severe cognitive impairment is living in our house. We are currently looking to give him away, so if you know anyone, feel free to just make it happen. His name is Monkey.
Monkey eats, a full scoop of food at the same time as the pugs. He must be locked in his exterior kennel when you feed him. This prevents injury to the docile, and peace loving pugs as Monkey is (as I mentioned before) a filth, evil, murderous animal who has tried to eat a pug or two on multiple occasions.
As you are very well aware of (2009 underwater Labrador attack), Monkey likes to swim. If he is wet lock him out, end of discussion.
I think he needs water too.. not sure... you could really go either way on this one, your call.
Iguana
Draco continues to be awesome. Unfortunately for you his main habitat is under repair (scheduled for a 2011 completion), so he is in his winter habitat which means in addition to awesome his also cranky. He needs fresh water daily, and a full head of romaine lettuce. I advise that if he is near the door, to come back later or drop the lettuce in via the top hatch.
Fish
The pond contains fish, but requires minimal interaction from you. Throw a three finger pinch of food in at night and all is well.
If the stork returns, there is a shot gun in the pantry closet. I clipped it last time, please finish it off.
The tank in the hall gets a pinch of food at night. Please wash your hands before feeding them, I would prefer if they didn’t also have to eat what ever you touched last in addition to their food.
Snake
Somewhere in the back yard is a snake. He prefers and requires no interaction from you, nor does he require being fed. Let me know if you see him.

Section II: Household.

Plant life
Similar to the pugs, they require water, and I require you give them some.
Kitchen
Instructions to the kitchen appliances are located on the internet should you need them; however, I assume you are familiar with their operation.
Laundry
You already know how I like my clothes folded, really the only concern is where they belong. Do not let it bother you, feel free to place them where ever you think they should go, they are going to end on the floor anyway.
Entertainment
The TV in the southern living room is off limits. It is apparently to complicated for a dentist to operate so I will spare you the burden. You may use the TV in the west living room. To operate, grab the remote, press and hold power until everything turns on. To turn it off, press and hold power until everything turns off. Don’t worry, I have my phone on me for when you can’t figure that last instruction out.

Again, I thank you sincerely for volunteering to participate in the above mentioned tasks. You will find Diet Pepsi in the fridge and frozen chicken in the freezer, you may enjoy 2 of each.

Respectfully,
The Proprietors of Tenkely Manor